Those Damn DirecTV Movie Tie-In Ads - Offensive To Film Buffs?

To cut to the chase - yes. Those commercials (most running for 30 seconds) that re-create a scene from a well known movie oft played on cable with an actor re-outfitted in their old characters duds and mugging to the camera about the better picture quality benefits of DirecTV have been irking me for some time now. Let's take a look at a few of them shall we? :

The first of these that I have seen wasn't too bad - it had Christopher Lloyd dressed and made up to look like his 1985 Doc Brown character from BACK TO THE FUTURE (Dir. Robert Zemeckis) in this ad designed to make you feel like you're coming back from commercials to a movie you forgot you were watching. Lloyd hams it up saying "I forgot to tell Marty when he gets back to the future he needs to get DirecTV HD!" As Wikipedia notes "Marty would not actually be able to get DirecTV once he got back to the future as it did not exist in 1985 and the Doc of 1955 would obviously have no way of knowing about it. However, this blatant illogic can be regarded simply as a joke." Uh - okay!

You can't really fault Charlie Sheen for turning a fast buck revisiting his MAJOR LEAGUE (Dir. David S. Ward, 1989) role of Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn. It's a movie that seems to always playing on some cable channel (mostly TBS) and he was likable in it which is seriously unlike just about all of his other films so he and DirecTV are in the clear here. Major points would have been added if Dennis Haysbert (who played Voodoo practicing Cuban defector Pedro Cerrano in the 1989 film and its sequels) did some add-on shot (he's probably too busy doing AllState ads) - but I'll still put this in the acceptable pile.

Now those were somewhat cute - if you stick to mainstream movies and B or C-list celebrities popping up in mock scenes from their movies sure we can look the other way but Sigourney Weaver resurrecting her female-empowering alien-ass-kicking heroine Ellen Ripley in this ALIENS ad attrocity that just starting airing recently really gets my goat! To see this classic character who was named by the American Film Institute as the #8 greatest hero in American cinema history shilling for DirecTV is just depressing. Maybe we can tell ourselves that it's one of Ripley's clones from ALIEN RESURRECTION - no, it's still sad.


I mean it makes some kind of marketing sense to have Jessica Simpson break the 4th wall from her role as Daisy Duke in the apocalypse-warning signpost that was THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (Dir. Jay Chandrasekhar, 2005) and chastize her leering viewers by taunting them by saying "Hey - 253 straight days at the gym to keep this body and you're not going to watch me on DirecTV HD? You're just not going to get the best picture out of some fancy big screen TV without DirecTV." Though incredibly eye-rolling inducing it makes some kind of sense because it's a completely disposable commercial movie and nobody will care if a character steps away from that kind of cinematic enterprise to do a sales pitch for a company. Speaking of stepping away from the Enterprise ...

"Settling for cable would be illogical" Captain Kirk (William Shatner) says to Spock's (Leonard Nimoy) grimace. Shatner is surrounded from footage from STAR TREK VI mind you in this commercial. Not the first time he's acted reacting to nothing and it won't be the last. This one is understandable because Shatner with his Priceline.com pitches, MCI, and the UK Kellogg's All-Bran cereal ads has been a commercial spokesman * almost more than he's been an straight actor, no wait he's never really been a straight actor. Still, I get a bit pissed off watching his laconic walk-through in this ad I'm reminded by comedian Patton Oswalt's put down from Shatner's Comedy Central Roast -when he held up a paper bag and dared Shatner - "Could you act your way out of this?"

* To see the hilarious origins of Shatner as a commercial spokesman checkout this hilarious Commodore Vic20 Ad.

I just feel like we're one step away from having Ralph Fiennes popping up as his evil Nazi personage Amon Goeth in a mock scene from SCHINDLER'S LIST looking right at the camera and saying "don't you want to see me personally execute masses of Jews in the crystal clear clarity of DirecTV? Don't you?!!?"

Okay, maybe that was a bit over the top - none of the ads so far have been from serious dramas or Oscar-caliber prestige pictures but I think these ads are bad for the film community. Okay, maybe just the online film community. Okay, maybe just me. Now this one with Pamela Anderson playing her iconic character C.J. from the television show Baywatch is just about right - hear that DirecTV! Stick to TV shows and low-brow comedies that were cheesy to begin with and all is forgiven. Okay?

Postscript : I know I haven't covered all of those damn ads - Leslie Nielsen revisited his 1980 Dr. Rumack performance in a AIRPLANE! one, Ben Stein again asked "Bueller? Bueller? ..." for a FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF throw-back, Bill Paxton once again chased a tornado in a TWISTER take, and shortly before his death in Pat Morita brought back Miyagi from THE KARATE KID ('86). If there are any others that irk you or that you actually like - send 'em on in to :

boopbloop7@gmail.com

Oh yeah - I read somewhere that Bill Murray was all set to re-Carlize himself for a spot from CADDYSHACK ('80) but he was either out of the country working on a film or he came down with a case of integrity...

More later...

100 Years, 100 Better Quotes

The American Film Institute just unveiled another mighty list - this one is of 100 movie quotes :

AFI'S 100 YEARS, 100 MOVIE QUOTES

Thinking that many of the lines while great are too obvious we here at film babble compiled an alternate list. 



Some lines come from the same movies, some are more profane but all are ones we cherish more than the AFI's precious official annointing. Enjoy!



FILM BABBLE BLOG'S 100 YEARS, 100 BETTER QUOTES



1. Girl: "What're you rebelling against, Johnny?"
Johnny Strabbler (Marlon Brando): "Whaddya got?"
- THE WILD ONE (1953) Can't believe this didn't make the AFI's list! Heh - losers.



2. "My teenage angst now has a body count" - Veronica Sawyer (Winnona Ryder) HEATHERS (1989)



3. "Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet." - The Wolf (Harvey Keitel) PULP FICTION (1994)





     

4. "You aren't too bright. I like that in a man. " - Matty (Kathleen Turner) BODY HEAT (1981)



5. "We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter." - H.I. (Nicolas Cage) RAISING ARIZONA (1987)



6. "Into the mud, scum queen!" - Dr. Hfuhruhurr (Steve Martin) THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS (1982)



7. "I don't know, I'm making this up as I go. " - Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)



8. "Mother! Oh God, mother! Blood! Blood!" - Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) PSYCHO (1960)




9. "But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?" - Tommy (Joe Pesci) GOODFELLAS (1990)



10. "Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock." - Harry Lime (Orson Welles) THE THIRD MAN (1949)



11. "I'll show you a life of the mind!" - Charlie Meadows (John Goodman) BARTON FINK (1991)



12. "These go to eleven" - Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1984)



13. "All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself." - Randall 'Pink' Floyd (Jason London) DAZED AND CONFUSED (1993)



14. "One of us, one of us!" - A freak from FREAKS (1932)



15. "Who did the president, who killed Kennedy, fuck man! It's a mystery! It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! The fuckin' shooters don't even know! Don't you get it?" - David Ferrie (Joe Pesci) JFK (1991)



16. "His brain has not only been washed, as they say... It has been dry cleaned." Dr. Yen Lo (Khigh Dheigh) THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1960)



17. "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - Lloyd Dobbler (John Cusack) SAY ANYTHING (1988)



18. "Oh please, if everyone around here is going to start telling the truth, I'm going to bed."
- Jackie O. (PARKER POSEY) HOUSE OF YES (1997)



19. "Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo." - Fletch (Chevy Chase) FLETCH (1985)



20. " I'm a goddamn marvel of modern science." - McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST 1975



21. " Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!" - The Dude (Jeff Bridges) THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998)

22. "Sticks and stones may break your bones but words cause permanent damage." - Barry (Eric Bogosian) TALK RADIO (1988)



23. "I will not be ignored, Dan!" - Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) FATAL ATTRACTION (1987)



24. "This is so bad it's gone from good back to bad again" - Enid (Thora Birch) GHOST WORLD (2001)



25. "Why do I hear 50 thousand dollars worth of pyscho-therapy dialing 911?" - Gabe (Woody Allen) HUSBANDS AND WIVES (1992)



26. "Well, then, I just HATE you... and I hate your... ass... FACE!" - Corky St. Clair (Christopher Guest) WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996)



27. "You see, if it bends, it works. If it breaks, it doesn't work." - Lester (Alan Alda) CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS (1989)







28. "One through nine, no maybes, no supposes, no fractions. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without, like, you know, uh, with fractions - what are you going to land on - one-quarter, three-eighths? What are you going to do when you go from here to Venus or something? That's dialectic physics." - Photojournalist (Dennis Hopper) APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)



29. "Don't call me chicken" - Jim Stark (James Dean) REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)



30. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" - Dante Hicks (Brian O'Halloran) CLERKS (1994)



31. "I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had" - Arthur (Dudley Moore) ARTHUR (1981)




32. "So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?" - John Bender (Judd Nelson) THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985)



33. "I am not your problem to solve!" - Alice Green (Meg Ryan) WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN (1994)



34. "Why are frogs falling from the sky?" - Phil Parma (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) MAGNOLIA (1999)



35. Gonzo (Dave Goelz): "Well, I want to go to Bombay, India to become a movie star."
Fozzie (Frank Oz): "You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star. You go where we're going, Hollywood." Gonzo: "Well, sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way."
- THE MUPPET MOVIE (1978)



36. "If Mike Tyson dreams about whuppin' my ass , he better wake up and apologize."
- SWEET WILLIE DICK (Robin Harris) DO THE RIGHT THING (1989) - Tarantino used a variation of this line in RESERVOIR DOGS 1992- "You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize." - Mr. White (Harvey Keitel)



37. "I am so glad that I got sober now so I can be hyper-conscious for this series of humiliations." - Suzanne (Merle Streep) POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE (1990)



38. "Nothing happens in the world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day. There's genocide, war, corruption. Every fucking day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else. Every fucking day, someone, somewhere makes a conscious decision to destroy someone else. People find love, people lose it. For Christ's sake, a child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church. Someone goes hungry. Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman. If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know crap about life. And why the FUCK are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it. I don't have any bloody use for it."
- Robert McNee (Brian Cox) ADAPTATION (2001)



39. "I am the motherfucking shore patrol, motherfucker!" - Budduskey (Jack Nicholson) THE LAST DETAIL 1973






40. "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women." - Tony Montana (Al Pacino) SCARFACE (1983)



41. "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" -The Joker (Jack Nicholson) BATMAN (1989)



42. "Come on, fellas. Rome wasn't built in a day." - Coach Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) "Yeah, it took several hundred years." -Ogilvie ( Alfred Lutter III)
BAD NEWS BEARS (1976)






43. "Harold, *everyone* has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much."
- Maude (Ruth Gordon) HAROLD AND MAUDE (1971)



44. "Make like a tree...and get outta here." - Biff (Thomas F. Wilson) BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)



45. "I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around." - Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (R. Lee Ermey) FULL METAL JACKET (1986)



46. "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." - Boris (Woody Allen) LOVE AND DEATH

47. "You're right, I did lose a million dollars last year. I expect to lose a million dollars this year. I expect to lose a million dollars *next* year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to close this place in... 60 years. - Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles) CITIZEN KANE (1941)



48. "Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?" - Aaron Altman (Albert Brooks) BROADCAST NEWS (1987)



49. "Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in." - Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) GODFATHER PART III - Funny how everyone's least favorite GODFATHER film has one of the most quoted lines., huh?



50. "You have clearance Clarence, roger Roger, what's our vector Victor?" - Captain Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves) AIRPLANE! (1980) - You gotta admit this is better than the 'Shirley' line.



51. "Only one is a wanderer; two together are always going somewhere." - Madeleine (Kim Novak) VERTIGO (1958)






52. "The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club." - Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) FIGHT CLUB (1999)



53. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me me." - God (George Burns) OH GOD (1977)





54. Sam Burns (John Lithgow) - "You're a very rude young woman. I know Douglas from the Rotary and I can't believe he'd want you treating customers so badly." Checkout Girl : "I don't think I was treating her badly." Sam Burns : "Then you must be from New York." - TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (1983)



55. "If you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, do you know what's gonna happen to you?...You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company." - Colonel Bat Guano (Keenen Wynn) DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)



56. "I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?" - Tess McGill (Melanie Griffith) WORKING GIRL (1988)



57. "That is one nutty hospital." - Jeff (Bill Murray) TOOTSIE (1982)



58. "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way." - Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner) WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1988)



59. "Roads? Where we're going we don't need - roads." - Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)



60. "He's got a real purty mouth, ain't he?" - Toothle



61. "They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." -Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd) THE BLUES BROTHERS (1980)

62. "It's okay with me." - Philip Marlowe (Elliot Gould) THE LONG GOODBYE (1973)



63. "Withdrawing in disgust is not the same as apathy." - Written on a piece of a paper recited by some dude in SLACKER (1991) - also quoted in R.E.M.'s "What's The Frequency Kenneth" - "Richard said, Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy".



64. "Back and to the left." - Jim Garrison (Kevin Costner) JFK (1991)



65. "Worry is like interest paid in advance on a debt that never comes due." - George Lang (Ricky Jay) THE SPANISH PRISONER (1997)



66. "It really tied the room together" - just about everybody in THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1997)



67. "What in the wide world of sports is going on here?!!?" - Taggart (Slim Pickens) BLAZZING SADDLES (1974)



68. "I've got a bad feeling about this" - Luke Skywalker(Mark Hamil), Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), C-3PO (Anthony Daniels, Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams), etc. said in every STAR WARS movie (1977-2005)



69. "Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion." - Kitty Farmer (Beth Grant) DONNIE DARKO (2001)



70. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." - Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)



71. "I believe in the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days." - Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) BULL DURHAM (1987)



72. "As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll." - Mick Shrimpton (R.J. Parnell) THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1984)






73. "Ah Kirk, my old friend. Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space." - Khan (Ricardo Montalban) STAR TREK II : THE WRATH OF KHAN (1982)



74. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986)



75. "I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you." - Harry Block (Woody Allen) DECONSTRUCTING HARRY (1997)



76. "Human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!" - Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) GHOST BUSTERS (1984)



77. "Pimps is an ugly word. We could call ourselves love brokers!" - Bill Blazejowski (Michael Keaton) NIGHT SHIFT (1981)



78. "Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here." - Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)



79. "Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it." - Oscar Madison (Walter Matthau) THE ODD COUPLE (1968)



80. "I'd buy that for a dollar!" - Bixby Snyder (S.D. Nemeth) ROBOCOP (1988)



81. Superman (Christopher Reeve) : "Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the death of innocent people?
Lex Luther (Gene Hackman) : "No, by causing the death of innocent people."
SUPERMAN : THE MOVIE (1978)



82. "Strange game--the only winning move is not to play." - Joshua (computer) WAR GAMES (1983)




83. "This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in" - Bela Lugosi (Martin Landau) ED WOOD (1994)



84. "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." - Verbal (Kevin Spacey) THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995)



85. "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K" - Ted Logan (Keanu Reeves) BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (1989)

86. "I know what you're thinking: "Did he fire six shots, or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But, being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya punk?" - Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) DIRTY HARRY (1971)



87. "It was the classic mother B.B. gun block: "You'll shoot your eye out." That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers, was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom." - Ralphie (Jean Sheppard) A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983)



88. "Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that." - Tree Trimmer (Steven Williams) BETTER OFF DEAD (1985)



89. "No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I'll confirm. I'll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that's all. Just... follow the money." - Deep Throat (Hal Holbrook) ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN (1976)



90. " I may go back to hating you. It was more fun." - Roger (Cary Grant) NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1958)



91. "Well, we lost the first game of the season. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. We always lose the first game of the season and the last game of the season. (pause)
AND ALL THOSE STUPID GAMES IN BETWEEN!" - Charlie Brown (Peter Robbins) A BOY NAMED CHARLIE BROWN (1969)



92. "Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?" - Claudia Wilson Gator (Melora Walters) MAGNOLIA (1999) - this line was lifted from the Aimee Mann song "Deathly".





93. "I was just thinking what an interesting concept it is to eliminate the writer from the artistic process. If we could just get rid of these actors and directors, maybe we've got something here." - Griffin Mill (Tim Robbins) THE PLAYER (1992)



94. "Can you imagine what this man would be like had anyone ever loved him?" - Henry Kissinger (Paul Sorvino) NIXON (1995)



95. "No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!" - Miles (Paul Giamatti) SIDEWAYS (2004)


96. "At this moment, I didn't feel shame or fear, but just kind of blah, like when you're sitting there and all the water's run out of the bathtub." - Holly (Sissy Spacek) BADLANDS (1973)



97. "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." - Al (Rodney Dangerfield) CADDYSHACK (1980)



98. "Your car is uglier than I am. Oops, that didn't come out right." - Carol (Mackenzie Phillips) AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)



99. "You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill." - Kurtz (Marlon Brando) APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)



100. "You see the whole culture. Nazis, deodorant salesmen, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up." - Frederick (Max Von Sydow) HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (1986)



Take that AFI! 




More later...

10 Sequels That Don't Suck

After the response, both good and bad, to The Top 50 Sequels That Should Have Never Been Made (March 12, 2003), it seemed like it was time to take a stand the sequels that don’t suck. It’s a much shorter list, but a damn good one:

10 Sequels That Don't Suck

1. THE GODFATHER: PART II (Dir. Francis Ford Coppola, 1974)

Undoubtedly the greatest sequel because it was better than the original, won a best picture Oscar, and because unlike all the sequels on the top 50 worst list it actually has more story to tell. The casting of Robert De Niro as a young Vito Corleone didn't hurt either. Like Part I this was written by Mario Puzo who also wrote:

2. SUPERMAN II (Dir. Richard Lester, 1981)

This supreme sequel works as a follow-up because it's actually an extension of the first film. It was filmed at the same time for the most part (there was a bit of a rough transition from director Richard Donner to Lester, resulting in some controversail re-shooting) and it satisfyingly concludes the Krypton villains’ subplot set-up from the original.

3. STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN

(Dir. Nicholas Meyer, 1982) 

It wasn't hard for this one to be better than the first because the first one (1979’s Robert Wise-directed STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE) was an overblown bore. Meyer’s follow-up jettisoned the celebral egghead exposition of the original, and brought on the shoot 'em up back to sc-fi basics with William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, and the rest of the iconic crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise facing off against the genetically engineered super-villain Khan Noonien Singh, portrayed by Ricardo Montalbán in a career best performance. Still considered the best of the series.

4. STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (Dir. Irvin Kershner, 1980) Despite the numbering of this as “Episode V,” I still think of this as the second STAR WARS movie. Whatever the case, this is a dark and layered entry luckily not directed by Lucas.

5. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING (Dir. Peter Jackson, 2003) After GODFATHER: PART II, this was the second sequel in Academy Awards history to win Best Picture. 

6. THE EVIL DEAD II (Dir. Sam Raimi, 1987) The third one, 1992's ARMY OF DARKNESS is pretty kick-ass too. Let's hope Raimi pulls off another great sequel this summer with SPIDERMAN 2.

7. IN LIKE FLINT (Dir. Gordon Douglas, 1967) Many forget Flint James Coburn's suave American equivalent to 007. They really shouldn't because this is some sharp slick '60s stuff.

8. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE 

(Dir. Steven Spielberg, 1989) 



Dennis Miller once joked on SNL that Star Trek VI ought to be subtitled “The Apology” (you know because of the Shatner helmed fiasco of Star Trek V), but this is the sequel that really should have that subtitle. This was a pure return to form after the way-too-dark TEMPLE OF DOOM. And 007 himself, Sean Connery as Indy’s father really seals the deal. The word that there may be a 4th Indiana Jones movie is troubling though.

9. MAD MAX 2: THE ROAD WARRIOR (Dir. George Miller, 1982)

10. ALIENS (Dir. James Cameron, 1986)



Honorable mentions: FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, TOY STORY 2, and A SHOT IN THE DARK.


More later...

The Top 50 Sequels That Should Have Never Been Made

Making this list made me realize how much of my life was wasted watching: 



THE TOP 50 SEQUELS THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MADE 



There was a Simpsons episode where Bart was trapped in a room with multiple doors labeled with roman numerals. At first he wasn't able to read them as numbers but suddenly his knowledge of Rocky films kicked in and he was able to identify the numerals correctly, and pick the right door in which to make his exit. 



That might be the only practical purpose for most movie sequels. 



I mean sure there's a few good to excellent sequels - GODFATHER PART II comes immediately to mind. I mean that one even won the best picture Academy Award! 



But for every good sequel like say THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK or SUPERMAN II there are literally hundreds of awful unnecessary money-grubbing retreads. 



Here's the cream of the crap: 100 bad sequels, well actually more than that considering I use one entry for multiple movies out of or including a whole series at times. 



Lastly many would argue that in some cases the original movie shouldn't have been made either but that's a whole 'nuther list!

Read them and weep.

1. THE GODFATHER: PART III



PART II pretty much summed it up didn't it? PART III is a unnecessary and pointless sequel, but considering at one point in the '80s Stallone came close to fronting an entry in the GODFATHER series it could have been a lot worse. 



Many blame Sophia Coppola's acting or lack of acting but in my book the project was doomed the second Robert Duvall passed. They replaced him with George Hamilton. George Hamilton for Christ's sake!



2. STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE 



"Prequel? More like Nyquil" - David Letterman



3. THE TWO JAKES (the Jack Nicholson-directed sequel to CHINATOWN)



4. MORE AMERICAN GRAFFITI: The post-script to the original movie said what the fates of the characters were - so why do we need this unfunny, stiff, and visually bombastic mess? I can't think of a reason.



5. CADDYSHACK II



6. BLUES BROTHERS 2000: Or course if you're reading this list you know that sequels mostly always suck but if one of the major players from the first film is dead they are destined for the Hall of Suck. Aykroyd's misguided attempt to revive the Blues Brothers' film career replacing the great John Belushi with John Goodman is a embarrassment and almost as much of an insult to Belushi's legacy as Bob Woodward's tawdry bio Wired.



7. BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II (III wasn't great either)



8. AIRPLANE 2: THE SEQUEL: Probably one of the worst offenders of the re-treading of the entire first film with no shame. In the commentary for the AIRPLANE! DVD the Zucker brothers and Jim Abrahams stress that they had nothing to do with the sequel and that to this day neither of them has seen it. Good decision. Wish I had made it too.



9. JAWS 2 (ditto for the rest of them too)

10. STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (You know, the one that Shatner directed)



11. TEXASVILLE (THE LAST PICTURE SHOW sequel)



12. THE MATRIX RELOADED (same goes for REVOLUTIONS)



13. OH, GOD! BOOK II



14. THE NAKED GUN 2½: THE SMELL OF FEAR (the third one, 33⅓: THE FINAL INSULT was better, but not much)




15. FLETCH LIVES



16. GHOSTBUSTERS II



17. ROBOCOP 2 (never saw any of the others after this)



18. SUPERMAN III (IV sucked too)



19. STAYING ALIVE (Sylvester Stallone-directed sequel to SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER)



20. DIE HARD 2



21. DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD



22. MEN IN BLACK II 



23. SCARY MOVIE 2 The poster campaign for the original Scary Movie said "No shame, no mercy, no sequel." For breaking that promise alone, this makes the list.



24. ESCAPE FROM L.A. (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK sequel, duh!)     



25. BATMAN & ROBIN (Don't think I saw BATMAN FOREVER, don't remember it anyway)



26. THE JEWEL OF THE NILE (ROMANCING THE STONE follow-up)



27. BABE: PIG IN THE CITY



28. TEEN WOLF TOO



29. TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER (any of the PINK PANTHER movies made after Peter Sellers death could make this list)



30. ROCKY V



31. MAJOR LEAGUE II



32. THE EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC



33. JURASSIC PARK III



34. BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 



35. HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING



36. THE STING II



37. BATTLE FOR PLANET OF THE APES



38. AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER



39. THE FLY II



40. RAMBO III (Man, Stallone is popping up quite a bit on this list!)

41. ANALYZE THAT (Though part of me wants them to make a third one so that they can call it: GO ANALYZE YOURSELF, ALREADY!)



42. THE KARATE KID, PART II (Never saw PART III)



43. HALLOWEEN II (and III, and IV, and so on)



44. YOUNG GUNS II



45. GREASE 2



46. SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT II (The inconsistently titled PART 3 was worse, but nobody was paying attention anymore)



47. WAYNE'S WORLD 2



48. BIG TOP PEE-WEE



49. POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE (Again, I never saw the third one)



50. FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2



Whew! That's quite a list of failed follow-ups. Since scheduled upcoming films include STAR WARS: EPISODE III, THE RING 2, a new PINK PANTHER movie, as well as a bunch of sure to be sucky sequels, I'm sure this will be a much lengthier list in the future.



More later...